This school year has been different than any other before because my daughter was born six days before I returned to work to
run 9th grade orientation and professional development for my staff.
In the months prior to the birth our our second child my wife and I agreed that I would start the
school year to get the ball rolling and delay my paternity leave until three
weeks into the year. I ran at a breakneck pace to serve both the school and my
growing family and after three weeks I said goodbye to school and got onto an
airplane to travel with my wife, toddler and newborn; which was a decision that
was challenging but I knew was right for my family and for me as an individual.
A week into my paternity leave I woke up to a flurry of messages from students
and colleagues that informed me that there was a tragic accident at the school
and that a student had passed away the previous night. I sat on the couch frozen
in disbelief in both the death and the reality that I was a thousand miles away
from the students and community travelling with my family and just starting my
leave. That moment was the most helpless I had ever felt as an educator because
a student who I had taught and who had written me a goodbye note before I left
was no longer with us and I knew that my travels would keep me away from the
vigil, the funeral and from the community that I love.
Just minutes after hearing the news my toddler woke up and,
in his innocent voice unable to read my emotions asked for his oatmeal and
wondered out loud if we were going to the beach that day. My wife walked out
with our newborn and the day began like the others had as we prepped for our
day’s adventure and spent time laughing and playing while internally I was
nothing short of destroyed. It was in that mourning and breathing in that
helplessness that I verified a thought that had been ruminating in my mind for
years: in this line of work that ideal state of “work-life balance” will never
be achieved and the pursuit of that goal was more dangerous than I had ever
imagined.
The Reality of Our
Divided Selves
Though I am writing predominately about education and to
educators I firmly believe that this topic impacts anyone who works with people
because that work is never finished and the development of people is always in
progress. Unlike projects with due dates and deliverables we work to build
capacity in a customer that can never be a finished product. I am at a school
and in a community that can take 100% of me at any given time. I do not hold
bitterness for the needs of my students and school and if I had no boundaries,
no family needing my attention or no accountability in my life I would work
around the clock always looking to develop this person or that one just a bit
more. In short, if I could give everything I would without hesitation. However,
as soon as I feel like I could not be more invested in anything more than my
work I walk in the door and captivated by the beauty of my children and the
value of my marriage knowing that I would give up the work in a second if it
meant that I could be with them full-time. This is the core of why balance for me and I believe for all
educators will never be reached because we desire to give ourselves to people
not products and people can never be finished.
This division between
work and family is enough in itself does not mention my commitment to my
church, the cultivation of friendship, my desire to ski on Wednesday when it
snows and not on Saturdays with the crowds or even just to do the unspeakable:
to stop and rest. If I could, I would give 100% of myself to my job, 100% of myself to
my family and 100% of myself to the aspects of my life that are for simple
enjoyment. There is no balance to be found here, no calendar structure or app that can make
this work just the need for those around me to know that I am a divided person,
as we all are, with the desire to give my all to all at the same time.
It is for this reason that work/life balance cannot be an individual
pursuit but a community endeavor. The best we can do as a community of
colleagues is to help one another realize that by nature we are all divided and
that nothing we do or say should hinder our pursuit of wholeness in our field
of work.
Balancing together
Two days after receiving the news about the death of our
student I received another steady flurry of text messages; each of them
carrying with them the same theme: Chris,
I know you are hurting with this loss but know that your family at school is
there for our kids and your family at home is what you need to focus on right
now.
In my guilt for being gone and with my desire to be with
kids I was reassured by my colleagues that my commitment to my family after the
birth of my second child was essential even in the midst of our collective mourning
and struggle. The answer to riddle work/life balance came to me in that
instant. I realized that balance was not found in the number of hours spent at
home versus at school or how many of my vacation days I take but rather that I
have (and we should all have) a community of colleagues that was happy to fill
in during my absence and that reassured me I was no less of an educator because
at the time when my community needed me the most I was simply busy being a
father.
So our answer is not to put work/life balance in the hands
of the individual but should be a collective responsibility. The creation of a
community that supports the development of colleagues just like it supports the
development of students will help alleviate the tension found as we
individually search for balance. When I encourage my co-worker who is walking
out of the door early to get to yoga I am taking care of them and if I question
their professionalism or work-ethic because they are leaving I am not
contributing to their growth but undermining our common desire for wholeness. I
would never question a student who was walking out of the building to get to
their extracurricular activity, rather I would encourage their participation so
why would I ever question when my colleagues are working to better their whole
selves and not just their work selves? Work-life balance is not a fight to
engage in as an individual but rather a goal that a staff should embark upon
together as we ask one another about our kids, our families, our vacations and
our rest. Because of our commitment to the development of kids many of us will
never be able to stop on our own but together we can work to keep one another
rested, content and balanced. I will never again hope to find work/life balance
on my own but will commit to know my colleagues as individuals who are fighting
to fulfill and enjoy each aspect of their divided selves and who know that I am
working to do the same.
I appreciate this post. You know it hits at my core belief that we must avoid the divided self and ensure a healthy whole. It can only be done in and with a community that seeks every individual to be a healthy whole that contributes to a healthy whole. There is no balance, there is being. We must contribute to healthy being of every individual within our community. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteWow. As a mom I really appreciate this post. This is a lovely essay. I wish I could broadcast it in 100 foot high characters across the sky. Congratulations to you and your wife. Love and laud to your colleagues.
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